Love is hard. Dating is harder. And well, when your boyfriend refers to himself as your “fancy man” in front of all of your co-workers, you really start to wonder about the decisions that led you here.
What would you do? Cry in the bathroom? Text your friends? Ghost him?
Queen Elizabeth I would have him packed off to the Tower. Then chop off his head.
Alright, 2025 might be a bit much. But the Virgin Queen had many strong opinions about love, men and relationships. She reigned over England for 45 years. She survived betrayal after betrayal. And she never married, no matter how much pressure there was to do so.
Her letters to “Bess” (most likely her confidante Bess of Hardwick) feel like you’re part of a group chat with your most brutally open friend. You know, the one who says what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.
Let’s dissect what we can learn about love in the 21st century from this queen of the 16th. These are straight from https://www.forplu.com, where we explore all the sides of relationships – wild and weird!
When Your Younger Man Is Acting Out
One woman wrote to Bess about her own circumstances. Let's call her Sugar Momma. She’s been going out with Bobby for six months. He's ten years younger. She pays for everything. He’s an “aspiring video game designer” who has to play lots of games in order to “test the market.”
You know the type.
Bobby spent her company holiday party hitting on her cute subordinate Tina. Touching her back. Whispering in her ear. Plucking an eyelash from her cheek.
Sugar Momma confronted them. Boyfriend?" Bobby looked her straight in the eye and replied. Is that what I am? I thought I was your fancy man.”
Ouch.
The next morning, Bobby apologized. Standard drunk excuse. Doesn't remember. So sorry.
Sugar Momma asked: To forgive or to dump?
And Elizabeth's reply was as prompt, as it was severe. "Yeah... F*ck that."
She gets it. She liked younger men too. Her beloved was handsome, charming Robert Dudley, who was all wrong for her in every way. She granted him power, money and attention. He resented her for it.
'It is not the bird in our hand, that hath so often flown abroad, and never return'd on trust; but a wilde horse whose head must be hampered: or an unruly dog, which must not lose his master upon watch, as he goes to draw for drink.
Translation: Break off the supplies of anyone who acts up.
She dispatched Robert to Ireland to deal with a minor rebellion. Thought it might boost his confidence. He failed. Then blamed her. Then attempted to seize control of her court.
She crushed him.
Her advice about Bobby? His apology means nothing. He’s not contrite about what he did. He’s sorry you stopped paying him any attention. He'll do it again.
The lesson is simple. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. A plastered apology isn’t a personality makeover. It's a warning.
The Trouble With Romancing Clueless Dudes
Another woman wrote in, this one known as Anxious Strumpet. She’s had it with “lifeless turds” on the dating scene. She wants romance. She desires a man who calls her beautiful. Who takes her to dinner. Who ravished her properly.
She met a stable hand. Good looking. No clue how to court her.
She wonders: Does she have to tell him how it’s supposed to be? Then again isn’t that ruining the romance?
Elizabeth presents two perspectives on that.
Option one: Don’t play by old rules. If you want something, say so. If he does it, great. Men aren't mind readers. Communication matters.
She quotes herself: ‘One man with a head on his shoulders is worth a dozen without.’
Smart, intuitive men are rare. Not every man will know what you need by osmosis.
Yet option two comes from concrete experience. And Elizabeth saw her mother, Anne Boleyn, attempt to teach Henry VIII how to love her. Anne gave him instructions. Write poems. Seduce me. Ravish me with words.
He did. They married. He had her killed.
Elizabeth's takeaway? None of this motherfucking marriage shit is worth it. She would rather be a beggar and single than a queen and married. Running a country is better than putting up with the hogwash of one man.
Her question for Anxious Strumpet: Do you want to train someone to love you? Or do you want somebody to knows already?
There's no wrong answer. Really, just be honest about what you’re getting yourself into.
Your Childhood Sweetheart’s Wife Dies
This letter gets dark fast.
A woman wrote in. Let's call her Free At Last. The love of her life was just on the market. His wife passed away is a “tragic and slightly comical” manner. Tripped on a Slip and Slide. Slid down wrong. Died.
There is video evidence he did not shove her. So that's good.
He arrived after five days of mourning. Proposed marriage.
They were childhood sweethearts. Her wealthy family always despised him. Called him a low-life loser. But because of the sweating sickness (a real 16th century disease that killed many), her parents are dead. His wife is gone. They're both single. Both orphans.
Nothing stands in their way.
So why can't she say yes?
Elizabeth sees problems everywhere.
First, the timeline. His wife died five days ago. That's not mourning. That's speed dating a grave.
Second, the Slip and Slide. Elizabeth isn't convinced. "Are you sure he didn't shove her? Love makes men do crazy things.”
Third, the convenient deaths. Both families gone. Both suddenly single. It's too neat.
Fourth, the fear. That you are afraid is no cause for concern. Elizabeth responds, “Innocent of what? Your gut feels things your brain hasn’t even processed.
O.K., he didn’t kill anybody, but that cloud is hanging over you. It poisons every dinner party. Every holiday. Every moment.
If you do marry him, Even Elizabeth has practical counsel. Get a pre-nup. Stay away from county fairs. And ask the permission of your monarch (or, in 2025, check with your local laws).
But really? She thinks you should run.
What Elizabeth Got Right About Love
Elizabeth I never married. They called her the Virgin Queen. Some thought she was broken. Some thought she was cold. Some assumed she couldn’t keep a man.
None of that was true.
She had plenty of suitors. Kings all over Europe sought her hand. She said no to all of them.
Why? Because she'd seen what happened to married women. Her mother died by execution. Her stepmother died by execution. Her cousin Mary, Queen of Scots, ended up on the wrong end of a war axe. Marriage didn't protect them. It put them in danger.
Elizabeth chose power instead. She chose safety. She chose herself.
That doesn’t imply that everyone should remain single forever. But her wisdom about men and relationships still lands a punch some 500 years later.
Men who hate to see you winning will show out. They will publicly announce that they are your “fancy man.” They will hit on younger women at your work party. They will fault you for their failures.
Men who are clueless about romance don’t just transform. You can teach them, or you can abandon them. Both are valid. Just so you know which one it is that you’re doing.
Men with dead wives and harebrained people being abducted all over the place deserve skepticism. Your fear is trying to tell you something. Listen to it.
The Life, Death and Legacy of Queen Victoria Today’s Lessons From a Dead Queen
The wisdom Elizabeth shares works in 2025 because human nature hasn’t been altered. We are still attracted to the wrong people. We continue to make excuses for bad behavior. We continue getting caught by red flags just because we’re lonely or hopeful or too scared to be single.
Here is what we can learn from her letters.
Money changes dynamics. It wears on you to be the one who always pays. On both sides. You feel used. He feels small. Unless you are both mature enough to handle it, that’s a recipe for disaster.
*Drunk words are sober thoughts. * Bobby let his “fancy man” slip when he was drunk. He meant it. He'd been thinking it. The alcohol was only pulling away the screen
Apologies without change are manipulation. Sorry for what? They apologize, then do it again. If they really were sorry,they wouldnt keep doing it! They're managing you.
*You can't force chemistry. * If you need to be taught basic romance for a grown man, step back and wonder how he ever made it so far without learning this. Some people are teachable. Some aren't. You need to know which one you’re looking at.
*Trust your gut. * Free At Last was too scared to say yes. Her body knew something was not right while her heart longed to believe. That fear was information. She should have used it.
*Loneliness is better than bad company. * Elizabeth said it best. She’d sooner be a beggar and single than a queen and wed. Independence isn't a consolation prize. It's a legitimate choice.
The Bottom Line
Elizabeth I’s reign over England lasted 45 years. She defeated the Spanish Armada. She presided over a golden age of culture. She never married.
She also answered advice columns (sort of) that still make sense today.
Don’t tolerate a drunken apology when your boyfriend treats you with disrespect in public. If you are dating a clueless guy, make up your mind about teaching him or ditching him. If your childhood sweetheart arrives five days after his wife’s inexplicable death, run.
Love doesn’t mean you are supposed to feel scared and confused all the time. It's supposed to feel safe. It's supposed to feel good. If it doesn’t, Elizabeth would say you should cut the cord.
Or send him to the Tower.
Your choice.
This was originally published on https://www.forplu.com as your relationship advice that doesn't suck. No judgment. No games. Just honest-to-goodness love, dating and the beautiful mess of human connection.
