Malaysia

Childhood Life of a 'pretty boy'

"This is going to be it. I am not going to hide who I am anymore. I am what I am, and I will make it stick for once in my life. This time, I am going to be a woman for life¡¨

It took nearly a decade of suppressing my feminine self and replacing it with the fake exterior of a man to please my parents and friends to reach this boiling point. Everyone tells me to be myself, so why is being myself creating so much fuss around? What is the purpose of life if I cannot be who I am? Why should I let my life be controlled by friends and family?

I am lucky I am still young and the years of being this alter ego of a man did little damage, it only caused broader shoulders, a bigger rib cage and a scar-infested face. Other than that, I still got most of what I possess as a woman when I lived as one for a few years back in my teens.

This is the dawn of February 2006, after lunch, and I am driving along the long stretch of the PLUS highway heading back towards the Klang Valley. My palms are firmly attached to the steering wheel going at 110kph with my new car. Thoughts are gathered in my mind on the events that happened in my life for the past 30 years. I am not going to lose this opportunity to be the real me again.

I am coming out. It is going to be tough but I am going to survive. Even though my body says no; but heart says yes. I always knew it. I am in the end, a female¡K a woman.

In the beginning, it was about a boy.

I was born into my  family in the month of March, year 1976. I am the younger of two siblings. While my older brother was always strong, egoistical and sex maniac I was the other way round, a sensitive softhearted boy. Being a weak physical being, I was always sick. Many times a year my parents would drive this baby of theirs to the clinic. Fever and flu seemed a seasonal affair especially when I got it every middle or end of the year.

As I grew up, I realize I have inherited a weak physical body from my mother. I also inherited from her some glaring feminine traits. I was very attached to ¡¥Care Bears¡¦ and ¡¥My Little Pony and Friends¡¦, though I have this strong liking for ¡¥Transformers¡¦ and ¡¥M.A.S.K.¡¦ as well. I love to wear clothes with soft fabric, because I find some shirts with harder fabric gave me lots of discomfort and itches. I spoke with a soft tone, and ¡¥Jem¡¦ was the kind of girl I want to be when I grow up.

I always have this thought that I was female then. When I went from kindergarten to primary school I asked my mother, ¡§why do you put me in a boy¡¦s school? Why am I separated from my friends?¡¨ She did not bother to answer even though I asked the same questions again and again throughout my primary school years. It was then the abuse from boys started.

My early school years were not only about education; getting punched, knocked, kicked and bullied were also part of my life then. Pohpia balls thrown at me from all directions every recess time. Small rolled paper bullets launched via rubber bands by a band of boys during lessons. I was even once pushed and fell down the drain. Bruises and stitches were normality to me. I was a called a problem boy by my schoolmates and teachers without really creating any problems for anyone. Later in my primary years I was called a bapuk, faggot and pondan.